Hello everyone, it’s time for another Let’s Talk.I have to say, these have grown to become some of my favorite posts. I  love reading your feedback, hearing your perspectives and realizing how many of us, despite living very different lives, often find ourselves navigating often, the very same things.

Today’s topic is a little more personal.

At the risk of sounding like an absolute cringe cliché, I suppose you could call it “self-discovery.” I’m not sure that’s exactly the right word, but over the last year—and even more so over the last six months—I’ve found myself on a bit of a journey. Maybe it’s less about discovering who I am and more about finally paying attention to what I need.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a caretaker (got it frommy mom). I’m the fixer. A sounding board. The listening ear. The person who is there at all hours for the people I love. I’m the one who wants to soothe someone’s worries, help solve the problem and finds the answers. One of my favorite sayings has always been, “There’s an answer for everything.” That said, I have people in my life who are there for me too in the saee way, so I am lucky too.

I’ve been the unofficial therapist, problem solver, cheerleader and shoulder to lean on for many people in my life.

And while I certainly have plenty of faults, one thing I know about myself is that I am an absolute empath. I feel things deeply, and I think that has a lot to do with why I’ve naturally taken on this role for those I care about.

I’m also almost always viewed as “the strong one.” But here’s the thing: strong people have problems too!

Somehow, mine have often fallen to the wayside. I’ve allowed other people’s worries, problems and life stories to take precedence over my own. And if I’m being completely truthful, I’m also a very proud and private person. I’m not someone who easily talks about what’s bothering me. I tend to keep things inside, deal with them quietly and move on.

A few months ago, I read an article that really stayed with me. It asked you to imagine your life as a pie chart and think about how much of your energy is spent working, doing things for others, worrying about others, helping others and simply being there for everyone else—versus how much you reserve for yourself.

I really thought about it.On any given week or month, I would estimate that 60–70% of my emotional energy was being spent on other people. Sometimes probably more.

And once I saw it that way, I couldn’t unsee it.Of course I did what I often do—I stored that thought away and went right back to life. But something about it lingered.

Then I had a conversation with a friend who takes one solo trip every year. This year she went to Paris, and listening to her regale me with stories about her days there—wandering, shopping, eating where she wanted, changing plans when she felt like it, answering to absolutely no one,made me almost giddy at the thought of doing something like that myself.

I have never taken a solo trip.I don’t have one booked. I don’t even know where I would go yet. But I can tell you this: I’m thinking about it. But then again, when I go somewhere I always imagine my husband by my side!

And for me, even thinking about it feels significant. But my solo trip would probably be going to a more local spa for a few days within driving distance (plus the fact that my husband cannot stand spas, would make it easier)!

The bigger change, however, has been much smaller and more everyday: I’m learning to say no sometimes. I’m learning that putting my needs ahead of someone else’s every once in a while does not make me selfish. And does it feel unnatural…yes it does.

The part of me with the big heart and listening ear isn’t going anywhere, nor would I ever want it to.  I love helping people. I love being someone others know they can count on but I just want to find a better balance.

Lately, I’ve felt as though I’ve been burning the midnight oil at every possible end….helping out when I can but when you add in running a business, taking on a huge design project in the city and renovating our own house, well…let’s just say it’s a lot.

I’m not saying that for sympathy, and certainly not to suggest I’m Superwoman. Quite the opposite. I’m sharing it because I’ve reached this interesting juncture where I’m becoming much more aware of my limits. And I’m finally giving myself permission to care about my own needs too.There is something surprisingly liberating about that.

Here’s one tiny example-

My son and daughter-in-law recently asked me to watch Philip. Ninety-nine percent of the time my answer is an immediate YES. Philip and little Sophia are truly the lights of my life, and there are few things I enjoy more than being with them.

But that particular day, I had plans to play Rummikub with friends. It sounds like such a small, silly thing, but it’s one of the very few things I carve out time for every week simply because I enjoy it. It makes me laugh, use my brain, sit still for a while and completely decompress.

My knee-jerk reaction was, “Of course!” I was already mentally canceling my plans. And then I stopped myself. There wasn’t an emergency. They didn’t desperately need me. And I realized that the time I had set aside for myself mattered too. My husband urged me to do this as well so there was reinformcemtn.

So I said no.

I won’t lie—it was hard! Partly because saying no doesn’t come naturally to me and partly because I adore every minute I get with Philip. I mean EVERY minute (which is at least 3-4 times a week).

But afterward I realized something so simple: choosing myself that day didn’t mean I loved him any less. It simply meant that, for once, I wasn’t automatically placing my own plans at the bottom of the list.That may sound incredibly obvious to some of you. For me, it was actually eye opening and a little hard to do.

I have been a giver to a fault for most of my adult life. I could probably fill ten pages with examples, and some are so ridiculous that even I have to laugh I also think that when you give so freely, people naturally become accustomed to it. They assume you’ll have the answer, that  you’ll pick up the phone. and that you’ll fix it. They assume you’ll say yes.

Not because they’re selfish people, but because that is who I have been to them.And maybe part of changing the pattern means realizing that I helped create the pattern too.

I can still be generous and loving. I can still show up for the people I love. But I can do all of those things without doing them at the expense of myself. And I can also find little slivers of time to do the things I enjoy.

I’m very much tiptoeing my way through this because it doesn’t feel familiar yet. Saying no doesn’t always feel comfortable. Putting myself first occasionally still feels a little foreign.

But you know what?It also feels really good.

So now it’s your turn to talk.I will be curious to see what your piechart would look like! I cannot wait to hear what you have to say.

PS Want to. know the funny part of me posting hesitating to this? I almost didn’t, thinking people might think I am selfish….the irony:)

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Thanks for stopping by. I always love hearing what you have to say and read every single comment even if its at 2am! Wishing everyone a wonderful day, until next time….